Archive for September, 2009

Urban Legends of the Encyclopedia – page 1

Posted in Other Humor on September 25, 2009 by stopmeowing

This is Urban Legends of the Encyclopedia, where I uncover things that you may have always held as fact and reveal them to be fiction.  Prepare to have your mind blown.

1.  The pulley is a simple machine that alters force and makes heavy loads easier to lift.

MYTH

Actually, the pulley forces you to not only counteract the force of the load you are lifting, but you essentially have to lift the pulley as well, more than doubling the force required.

2.  The Green Bay Packers won the first two Super Bowls.

MYTH

The first Super Bowl was actually played in the Roman Empire in 15 A.D.  A then-unknown Jesus of Nazareth won Bowl MVP after catching three touchdowns and returning a punt for another score, all on the same play, to lead his Miami Dolphins to victory.  Another interesting fact: the Romans numbered their Super Bowls using the Arabic numeral system to be eccentric.

3.  There were thirteen colonies in colonial America.

MYTH

There were actually twelve colonies until the Revolution, at which point the British propaganda ministry told everyone that Carolina was actually two separate colonies, North and South, hoping the unlucky number thirteen would curse the colonials and cause their defeat.  North and South Carolina have since rejoined to create one state.

4.  Pablo Picasso was a notable painter.

MYTH

Picasso’s so-called “paintings” were actually sculptures that he created and photographed.  He then altered the photos using top-of-the-line photo editing technology to create the effect of a painting.  Picasso preferred this method because he hated getting paint on his clothes.

5. William Henry Harrison was the first U.S. President to die in office.

MYTH

John Quincy Adams was clinically dead for the first two months of his term, but no one noticed.

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Blind Wedding – A Sketch

Posted in Sketches with tags , , , , , , on September 25, 2009 by stopmeowing

Here’s a sketch I wrote recently.  Enjoy!  Don’t steal it without asking!

LISA VITALIS – the bride

JEFF MORTIMER – the groom

PASTOR CHUCK – the pastor.  named chuck.

ZOE BRIDGER – the maid of honor

HARRY WELLS – the best man

CALDWELL VITALIS – bride’s father

PERCY VITALIS – bride’s other father

Bridal procession music as LISA and CALDWELL walk down the aisle to meet JEFF.  HARRY stands next to JEFF, with ZOE on the other side.  PASTOR CHUCK stands in the middle.  Standard wedding stuff.  They reach the party.

CALDWELL

Jeff, Caldwell Vitalis.  It’s nice to finally meet you.

JEFF

Nice to meet you.  [they shake hands]

Pause.

LISA

And I’m Lisa.

JEFF

Lisa.  Hi.  Jeff.  But you knew that.

Awkward moment.  They shake hands, then look at each other, and laugh nervously and turn it into a hug.  Finally, they take their places.

PASTOR CHUCK

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here to witness the union, as well as the first meeting, of Lisa Vitalis and Jeff Mortimer.

ZOE

I’m Zoe, I’m Lisa’s best friend.

PASTOR CHUCK

I’m sorry, how rude of me.  Zoe, the maid of honor, Harry the best man.  Lisa, Jeff, Caldwell.

HARRY

Hi.

ZOE

Hi.  Hello, Jeff.

JEFF

Zoe.

HARRY

Lisa, you look lovely.  It’s nice to meet you.

LISA

Thanks, nice to meet you to, Harry.

PASTOR CHUCK

Shall we continue?  [LISA nods.] When Jeff called me yesterday asking to rent this space at the last minute, my first thought was–well, my first thought was “That’s crazy.  On a Tuesday?  To someone you’ve never met?”  My second thought was, “Used to be we wouldn’t even think about it, but attendance is down and the church could use the money.”  But my THIRD thought was, “Have I ever heard of something more romantic?”  These two, Lisa and Jeff, wish to be joined in holy matrimony on the very day they meet.  Dispensing with the unpleasantness and uncertainty, not to mention the temptation, that can come with a dating relationship.  Because marriage is a choice, and once you make that choice to commit to someone forever, maybe it doesn’t matter so much who that person is.  What matters is the commitment.  And that choice, that commitment, is what we celebrate today.  [pause] Who gives this girl away?

CALDWELL

Her other father and I do.

PERCY

[from audience, extra gay] Kisses!

PASTOR CHUCK

Oh, I–uh, I didn’t realize you were…and in a house of God.  That’s…  [forced smile] No matter.  You may be seated, Caldwell.

CALDWELL takes seat on PERCY’s lap for remainder of sketch.  They try not to be TOO distracting.

PASTOR CHUCK

Er, perhaps we can dispense with some of the ceremony and go straight to the vows.  Lisa, do you–

LISA

Oh, we wrote our own vows!

JEFF

We did?

LISA

Yes.

JEFF

Of course we did!  Um… Harry, do you have any paper?

HARRY

[feeling through pockets] Um…  let’s see.  Ah ha!  Here you go.  CVS receipt.

While LISA is talking, JEFF takes out a pen and scribbles furiously, using HARRY’s back as a writing surface.

LISA

I promised myself I’d be married before I turned 30, and my birthday’s tomorrow.  I had a very good male friend, Brian, and he promised me that if we were still single at 30, we’d get married.  But he suddenly died yesterday, and I didn’t know what to do.  So I’m so glad you answered my craigslist ad, Jeff.  You’re my lifesaver.  [pause] I wrote this when I was fourteen.  I don’t even remember what’s here, because I promised myself I’d never open this until today.  I’ve been so looking forward to finally saying these words to the love of my life.  [reading] I can’t believe this day is finally here.  I’m standing here, professing my love to the man of my dreams.  I’m, like, so happy right now.  I promise to be your wife forever and never ever make you sad.  And I extra promise not to leave you because I suddenly decide I’m gay.  [looks up] Oh, sorry Dad.  I was kind of angry back then.  You did the right thing, I just didn’t—anyway.  [reading] You’re the best man in the world, and that’s why I chose you out of the probably thousands of guys I had to choose from.  I love you, and I’ll love you forever.  [manages a smile] Sorry, I remembered that being more eloquent.  Um, your turn, Jeff.

JEFF

[reading] So, we’re getting married.  This is pretty cool.  I was afraid you’d be ugly, but you’re not, and that’s awesome.  My credit is decent enough, so you don’t have to worry about that.  And— sorry, I wrote something here, but you know how that heat-activated ink sort of… I think I said something like “I hope this works, and I’ll try pretty hard.”

PASTOR CHUCK

Lovely.  I would now like to recant my previous statement about this being the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.  Let’s just get this train wreck over with.  I now pronounce you–

JEFF

Oh, hold on just a second.

PASTOR CHUCK

What now?

JEFF

No offense, but I’m not really into the whole marriage-night-first-time thing.  If it’s cool with you, Lisa, I’d like to bang you just once before we see the deal.  Make sure we work like that, you know?

LISA

Yeah, that makes sense.  [to CHUCK] Where’s the nearest men’s room?

PASTOR CHUCK

Uh, are you serious?

LISA

We’ll find it.  Let’s go, Jeff.

They exit, she grabs his ass on the way out.

PASTOR CHUCK

Lord help me.

A funnily dressed man in a wig enters.

MAN

I object to this wedding!

PASTOR CHUCK

You’re not alone.

MAN

This whole thing is a farce!  A sham!  The kind of thing that would be featured on some kind of practical joke reality TV show!

PASTOR CHUCK

Oh.  OH!  Thank the Lord, this was all a prank, right?  I’m on TV?  Where’s the camera?  Oh, man, you guys got me good.

MAN

No, I’m just saying, this is ridiculous.  [takes a seat]

Sex noises offstage.  A cell phone beeps.  Harry digs into his pocket.  Checks a text message.

HARRY

Hey, I gotta go, Jeff wants me to tag in.  Where’d you say that bathroom was?

Pastor Chuck stares.

ZOE

I’ll help you find it.  If I know Lisa, she’ll want me to jump in too.

HARRY

Fuckin’ awesome.

They run down the aisle.  More sex noises off.

PERCY

[to PASTOR CHUCK] Hey cutie-pants, do you all do real wine here?  I haven’t had a drop since those three mimosas this morning and I’m just dying.

PASTOR CHUCK

At this parish we believe drinking alcohol is a sin.

PERCY

You haven’t had MY mimosas.  It’s a sin not to have them!

MAN

[holds up a joint] Hey, anyone mind if I light up while we’re waiting?

PASTOR CHUCK

Put that away!

CALDWELL

[jumps off of PERCY’s lap] Whoa, there tiger!  Getting a little excited, are we?  I swear, this man is insatiable.

PASTOR CHUCK

Oh.  I think I’m going to be sick.  Excuse me.

PASTOR CHUCK runs down the aisle.

PASTOR CHUCK

[offstage] OH!  AUGH!!!  That’s just–  How did you even get her–  Oh– oh no…  [puking noises]

JEFF

[offstage] Thanks anyway, Pastor, but we’re okay on bodily fluids in here.

More puking.  PASTOR CHUCK re-enters, stone-faced.

PASTOR CHUCK

There is no God.  [removes whatever ceremonial garb he sports, and walks back out]

CALDWELL and PERCY watch him exit, then high-five and laugh.

CALDWELL

You can come back in, kids, thanks!

PERCY

[gay act dropped] Great job, everyone!

CALDWELL

Well, Father Percy, looks like there’s a job opening here.

MAN

You know I’ll put in a good word for you.  [removes wig]

PERCY

Thank you, vicar.

ZOE and JEFF re-enter.

JEFF

Congratulations, Father Percy!

ZOE

Yeah, congrats!

PERCY

Thanks, your checks are in the mail already.  Where are Lisa and Harry?

JEFF

Yeah, they-uh…they kind of got into it with the vomit and everything.  It was a little much for us, so we called it a day.  [ZOE shudders]

More sex noises off.

End.

2009 NFL Season Preview! The Dan, Dan, Dan, and Not Dan Sports Show!

Posted in DDDND, Sports Writing on September 25, 2009 by stopmeowing

Here’s my first video post!  It was created the week before the NFL season started, I just hadn’t put it up here yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l3S2nYqMuQ

And here’s part two!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmQCn34gdx0

Here are the full predictions if you want to look at them again:

Dan’s:

New England 11 5

Miami 6 10

Buffalo 7 9

New York J 13 3

Pittsburgh 11 5

Baltimore 8 8

Cleveland 4 12

Cincinnati 10 6

Indianapolis 10 6

Houston 9 7

Tennessee 7 9

Jacksonville 8 8

San Diego 13 3

Denver 3 13

Oakland 6 10

Kansas City 4 12

Washington 11 5

Dallas 7 9

New York G 11 5

Philadelphia 8 8

Green Bay 11 5

Chicago 10 6

Detroit 5 11

Minnesota 5 11

Atlanta 12 4

Carolina 7 9

Tampa Bay 4 12

New Orleans 10 6

Arizona 8 8

Seattle 3 13

St. Louis 5 11

San Francisco 9 7

Not Dan’s:

New England 12 4

Miami 9 7

Buffalo 6 10

New York J 8 8

Pittsburgh 11 5

Baltimore 10 6

Cleveland 5 11

Cincinnati 4 12

Indianapolis 11 5

Houston 10 6

Tennessee 10 6

Jacksonville 7 9

San Diego 9 7

Denver 7 9

Oakland 3 13

Kansas City 3 13

Washington 5 11

Dallas 10 6

New York G 11 5

Philadelphia 10 6

Green Bay 8 8

Chicago 10 6

Detroit 2 14

Minnesota 10 6

Atlanta 9 7

Carolina 8 8

Tampa Bay 6 10

New Orleans 12 4

Arizona 13 3

Seattle 6 10

St. Louis 4 12

San Francisco 7 9